Why is it so hard to reach the acceptance state of mind?
The “acceptance” stage of grieving is often misunderstood to mean “being okay” with loss, implying that acceptance is closure, and after that we walk away. Many people are afraid of acceptance, believing that the “final stage of grief” will be extra painful. Actually the meaning is quite nuanced. In her famous study, Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grieving in terminally ill patients, most of whom were vacillating between depression, anger, and denial, (in any order) and bargaining unsuccessfully with God or the Universe to mitigate their condition. But a few patients came to the “acceptance” that no amount of anger or negotiating could give back what they lost. As a result of this acceptance, these patients becoming more present with their loved ones, more peaceful, and more compassionate. Most cultures agree that, after a period of mourning, we come to this acceptance, that even though we’re still not okay, we carry on and life brings new opportunities. Vicki Harrison describes this beautifully: “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Acceptance is complicated after losing a career that defined us, a loved one, an actual limb, surviving a trauma, or being diagnosed with a serious illness — because losing a core part of ourselves challenges our identity and makes us unsure of who we are. Moving on after losing a spouse can feel like betrayal, as if they didn’t matter. In her cornerstone work “Women Who Run With the Wolves,” Clarissa Pinkola Estés describes grief as a recurring part of life whereby we are initiated into a more developed version of ourselves. She reassures us that by following the examples given in ancient folk tales, we can transform our rage (anger) and emerge stronger and more complete, even though our scars may never heal. Estés provides a scenario where something must be surrendered - not only our anger, denial, depression, and ineffective bargains, but also something about our old way or former homeostasis that is lost and can not be replaced. Accepting that surrender enables our transformation, but how do we know what to surrender? In depression we surrender everything, and without guidance our bargains are ineffective. In the Kubler-Ross study, not everyone reached acceptance.
How does Andrew apply hypnotherapy for unresolved grief?
When I see the roller-coaster of depression, anger, and denial, I see an unattended initiation - a person lost in transformation. I can guide you through this process, by helping you draw up the terms you need to complete your transformation. Learning to swim is all about effective bargaining. In the original study, “bargaining” was a state of desperation. The patients were not praying they were negotiating, trying to make a deal. Modern therapy pivots this view to empower the bargainer by changing the scenario - instead of bargaining between yourself and God, the bargain is between your conscious and subconscious mind. I don’t try to resolve grief but I can help you make sense of what you’ve actually lost and why that means so much to you, and I use that knowledge to build strong terms for you, to help you move on. This is tremendously helpful, both emotionally and psychologically. You discover what you need to surrender, and what you should never surrender because you need that to carry on. Then, using hypnotherapy and affirmations, you communicate this bargain to your subconscious mind, which is responsible for ninety percent of all your behavior and emotions.
In the scientific community affirmations became prominent in 1988 with “The Psychology of Self-Affirmation” by Dr. Claude Steele. Published in the journal “Advances in Experimental Social Psychology”, Steele’s chapter focused on values-based affirmations - reflecting on core values, which subsequent research has shown to be consistently effective. Kübler-Ross published her study 19 years earlier, in 1969 - she could not have foreseen that the desperate bargaining she observed, could be replaced by stating the person’s core values, giving them the tools to transform anger and depression into clarity and action, and nurturing a mindset where acceptance can emerge. As a hypnotherapist I listen more than I talk. All our sessions begin with a conversation in which you are fully conscious and awake, so that I can understand and confirm your core values. With this information I suggest affirmations - terms for your bargain - and we discuss these at length until they feel real to you. In hypnosis, assisted by a psychoacoustic soundtrack, I read over your bargain, giving your subconscious a chance to imagine your life on those terms. After the session I email your affirmations to you so that you can read over them between sessions, and during the week your dreaming provides subconscious feedback on your bargain.
What happens during your grief hypnotherapy treatment?
Your first session is two hours to allow enough time for me to understand your situation before going into hypnosis. We take about ninety minutes talking about your loss or trauma, and how that’s affecting you, and any feelings of anger or depression you might have. We also talk about your core values - that you were brought up with, as well as values that you’ve learned as an adult. We draft the first version of your terms, where your core values become like your personal constitution - your rules by which you agree to live and thrive. The bargaining process requires time for your affirmations to develop over the course of treatment, but even in this first affirmation writing exercise, you reflect on your core values, and this begins the transformation of anger into reason, depression into hope, limbo into clarity, grief into acceptance.
Hypnosis takes about twenty to thirty minutes. You’ll be in your own space at home, relaxed and comfortable, listening to my voice and psychoacoustic soundtrack over your headphones. The video feed allow me to see your reactions and adjust if I need to. You can communicate with me any time you want, but most people don’t feel the need to. I guide you into a deep relaxed state like a daydream and we begin communicating your terms to your subconscious mind, where you imagine yourself as a child of about 4, and reflect on your core values by relating everything I say to your inner child. I explain that just as a country has a constitution to keep people safe, you also have rules to keep you safe. I read over your affirmations, which you relate, building trust and stability between your conscious and subconscious mind. After about 20 minutes I bring you out and we discuss your experience. I email your affirmations so that you can rehearse them every day.
Your weekly sessions are 1-2 hours depending on your preference. We begin each session by reviewing your affirmations and talking about how they feel emotionally, and you update me on any changes you’ve made over the week. We discuss current events in your life, and talk about your dreams, which are valuable subconscious responses, providing feedback on your treatment. (If you dont normally remember your dreams you’ll start to, just by realizing how important they are.) Dreams often reveal core values that may be missing from your bargain, which we add to your affirmations, refining your terms, and developing discernment regarding what you can surrender and what should prevail. In each hypnosis session, we begin with inner child work, and as your terms develop we start integrating real life scenarios in hypnosis, where you can imagine and feel how your core values are a strong foundation for you to move forward when you feel ready.
How many grief hypnotherapy sessions are needed to reach acceptance?
You reach acceptance in grief by transforming your emotional turmoil into knowledge about yourself, that you can accept, even if you don’t really understand it. You will continue to deepen your understanding of this knowledge, long after you reach acceptance. Estimating how many sessions this will take is like measuring music with a ruler, but I can identify the benchmarks: In the first three to four sessions we establish your core values and draft your affirmations, and this always requires time to develop because of various emotions, which can be overwhelming. It can be hard even to look at your affirmations in the beginning - it may be too frustrating or you just can’t. It’s wise not to expect visible results from early sessions, especially if your loss is quite recent. The work is mostly holding a space for you to reflect on your core values, and refining those values by reviewing your dreams.
The actual transformation will probably happen between the 3rd and 9th session, where your affirmations are powerful enough to start having an emotional effect, and you start accepting them, and enjoy saying them between your sessions. They develop from your core values to include more details, like reassuring you that you did everything you could, or suggesting activities that bring you joy. This process can take much longer depending on your situation - Someone who has been diagnosed with a serious illness will have a completely different journey from someone who is going through a divorce - and someone recovering from trauma requires special attention on rebuilding self-esteem, which won’t be necessary for someone who has lost a loved one. I recommend starting with a few single sessions to see if this process is for you and then taking the 8 Session Mastery package, which is designed for long journeys.
Is grief hypnotherapy effective for reaching acceptance?
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 study established the five-stage framework of grief, but her findings also revealed that not everyone reached acceptance—many patients remained stuck in desperate bargaining with God or the Universe that proved ineffective. Nineteen years later, Dr. Claude Steele’s 1988 research on values-based affirmations showed that reflecting on core values is consistently effective for transformation. My specialized approach combines both frameworks: I create the bargaining stage therapeutically through values-based affirmations rather than waiting for it to occur naturally, providing the guided pathway that Kübler-Ross’s patients lacked. In fifteen years working with over ten thousand clients, grief is a common presenting concern, often appearing alongside depression, trauma, or low confidence, and my integrated approach addresses all of these simultaneously. This method works because it accesses the ninety percent subconscious level where grief patterns and emotional processing operate—your ten percent conscious effort can’t override these patterns alone. The unique outcome is that you transform your emotional turmoil into knowledge about yourself that you can accept even if you don’t fully understand it, and that understanding continues to deepen long after you reach acceptance.
The method creates therapeutic bargaining through values-based affirmations, transforming emotional turmoil into self-knowledge. Dream therapy reveals missing values to refine your bargain, developing discernment about what to surrender and what to preserve. Your affirmations evolve to include practical reassurance and joy-bringing activities, creating a Constitution—your personal rules to thrive, not just cope. Online sessions are often more effective for grief work because the processing happens internally regardless of location, and home privacy creates a safer space for the deep vulnerability required when exploring core values and processing profound loss.
What can you expect from Andrew’s grief hypnotherapy treatment?
There is initial relief in starting a journey that promises to take you out of your turmoil, but it’s difficult in the beginning. I’ve described how Anger and Depression can be transformed into reason and hope; and how Bargaining based on your core values can nurture an attitude of Acceptance - that’s four out of Five Stages of Grief - what about Denial? This is hardest stage to work with because denial makes everything invisible. If your therapist asks you: “Do you think you might be in denial?” it feels offensive (and interestingly, the response to this questions is usually anger) because denial is a subconscious defense mechanism. Your defenses activate when you are hurt or wounded, and their function is to protect you. They deserve to be honored, so even though it blocks your progress, I treat denial with a tremendous amount of respect.
Inner child work builds trust between your conscious and subconscious mind, effectively deactivating any denial you may have around your grief and allowing us to work in the context of hypnotherapy. (You retain your defenses in the outside world.) Through the work with your core values and your daily practice of saying your affirmations out loud, your bargain becomes more powerful and your subconscious lets go of denial in favor of the deeper clarity which your affirmations bring, resolving any self-blame around your loss and nurturing compassion for yourself. As your affirmations develop from your dreams and the knowledge and wisdom that you accumulate on your journey, you start to feel a growing feeling of acceptance and discernment - that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or betraying your loss; or that you can surrender what isnt important because you know what you need.
Talk to Andrew about your loss
If you have a question about grief that I haven’t answered here or you’d like to ask me how the Five Stages method applies in your situation, please book a free consultation, we can chat with no obligation and see if you want to go ahead with this approach. To find out more about the 8 Session Mastery course you can follow the link, or book your first session to get an idea of where you are in the process, and then decide how many sessions you want from there. I’m here if you’re ready to talk.